| Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 |
| 3:01 pm |
It kinda blows that I'm going to a wedding the day after my relationship ended. I wanna cry but I gotta laugh. |
| Thursday, August 20th, 2009 |
| 11:42 am |
What have I done? What am I doing? I need to take more pictures. I've decided to be alone and take some Me time. I gotta break through. |
| Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 |
| 10:39 am |
OMG
I'm driving up to New York this weekend. I've never had to go on such a long drive. It should be fun though to see all the states. I'm probably gonna stop in Virginia or The Carolinas to rest which should be nice. I've never been there. ROAD TRIP. =) |
| Friday, July 24th, 2009 |
| 10:29 pm |
My dad has been gone for a week. Jeez us has it been pretty crazy. Two parties at my house in the last week, lots of outings, and tomorrow I get to see VNV Nation before he comes back on Sunday. I'm actually going to go with someone other than Anthony which is going to be weird and dope. Finally there is someone else to share this with. I honestly don't even know how I've been getting through this class I'm taking. It's been crazy lately. I have drank so much beer this week who knows how many lbs I've gained. Actually surprisingly enough I don't gain or lose weight. I'm stuck at 127-130. Anyway, I have my final test and state exit exam next week. YAY! The future is quite ambiguous to say the least...But I'm taking it one day at a time. Just trying not to let the waves crash down on me. |
| Monday, July 13th, 2009 |
| 11:34 pm |
I've been dwelling on the past for far too long. I seem to have had a really hard time with letting go. It's been detrimental to the relationship I've had or will have in the future. I guess I just have to let go and quit beating myself up by sulking in regret. Yes, I've done horrible things that made me question if I really knew myself at all or if I was just a monster. But I have bettered myself and I know I'm not going to turn into that person again. Maybe I do care what people think. Well, people that matter. And I guess I just want them to know that I have changed (again). I know it is pointless though. It perhaps may always be. So I just have to live for myself. It's silly of me to constantly think about what could have been when I have something Potentially right in front of me. It's true, my souls worn thin but at least I have my sanity back. I have clarity, balance, and optimism in my life. I am greatful. To The NeverEnding Light. |
| Thursday, July 9th, 2009 |
| 6:08 pm |
I wanted to update about school. My schedule got all fucked up so instead of taking two class which I originally wanted to, I'm only taking one. Reading 3. I got on 82 percent on the reading and a 97 percent on the english part of the cpt test. I had to take this remedial class because I needed a 83 percent. WTF. All in all, I'm actually ok with taking this class. It refreshes me on the basics. I got a 95 on my first test. 100 on my quiz and on my lab I got 1 out of 50 questions wrong. So I'm doing well thus far. I just wish this class counted as a credit. But whatever, MDC is still subsidizing my class. So far so good. Next semester I'm taking 4 classes but I'm going in optimistically. |
| Friday, June 19th, 2009 |
| 11:25 pm |
School Bound
School starts next week for me. I'm conflicted on whether or not I want to go. I mean, I Want to go to school but I just don't want to lose focus. I have a better head on my shoulders now. I'm majoring in photojournalism sp that's exciting. You can do this. Just believe in yourself. Blah, Math is going to suck. |
| Friday, April 24th, 2009 |
| 10:58 pm |
Where to?
I still have much to pay for the wrong I've done in my life. I've seen and done things that I hope my children never experience/do. I had morals. I didn't have many, but I had them nonetheless. I've done drugs, stolen, and lied about many things. But the worst things I've done pertain to people I love or have loved. I don't know what it is or what it really stems from anymore. Maybe I'm just a bit demented but I look back and wonder how I could do what I've done to my father, my ex-boyfriend...and most of all, myself. You'd see that the things I did to set my life on fire were more than unsettling if I were to express them to you. The list is too long though. But the truth is that I cannot be comepletely satisfied with my life until I make one for myself. Until I make myself happy. I've known this for a while now but have done close to nothing about it. I am very good at doing all the bad things like ignoring things and procrastinating. Being mean and pretending like nothing bothers me. Making other people feel like shit. People I care about. People I love. Well, I don't dont much of this anymore but I use to. I must have hated myself tremendously. All those destructive things I did got me nowhere but back to ground Zero. I've been there for a while wasting my days like a kid who smokes pot and sits in front of the television (though I don't anymore). Motivated is the hardest thing for me to aspire to. But here's to my 1987439834th try. Heh. I believe that one of the worst things to live with day to day is regret. And I have a lot of it. I've been trying to move foward but it can be hard sometimes. My biggest regret is all that I've ever done to my ex-boyfriend. Good and bad. But like I've learned: The feeling of remorse does not justify ones actions. Yet, I feel like it would have been better if I never existed in his life. He might beg to differ (or not). Who knows...This thought of mine reminds me of the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". But would either of us really want to erase eachother from our memories? I used to. I used to really want to when the pain felt unbearable. But now? Now we've changed. For better or worse. I'll keep my thoughts. I'll embrace and regret them all at the same time. Even then, regret might not even be the worst. Maybe just knowing that I became the type of person I always despised is what did it. No. Because I can change again. We are all constantly changing. I can and have found me again. Or who I was before I met him, rather. I think it's knowing that I became that person with someone I loved beyond imagination. It's knowing I did all those horrbile things to someone I wanted to spend my life with. It's knowing that I have to live my life with that loss every day. It's knowing that I probably may never experience that kind of love for the rest of my life. Scratch that. It's not probably. It's a fact. Because I mean, honestly...would life really grant me that love once again after all the wrong I have done? I don't think so. I don't really know why I felt like writing this but I think it's good that I did. Also, I know no body reads this crap I write and saying sorry is useless at this point, but I am sorry to everyone I've hurt. If only I could take those hurtful things back... |
| Sunday, March 15th, 2009 |
| 4:36 am |
It's been a long time. I can't believe I haven't written in here for so long. I don't even know what motivated me to. Probably becuase I'm having some mental controversy. I've lost my motivation for too long now. This past year has gotten me no where but back to ground zero. I've been depressed since my birthday. I remember loving my birthday as a kid. But now it's just a day I wish never came. I at least had a job but now financially my dads business has gone to shit and I'm basically working for him for free. I've managed to bring in some income on the side for myself but I had have to do some things I'm not proud of. Oh well. I gotta pay off my debts so I can get outta here already. My dad has this guy from the military stop by my house. The guy was a douche...But ultimately I've decided to join the Marines. I just gotta finish paying off my shit first. It's hard to convince myself that this is the right choice but I think that's just because i am afriad. I feel like I have to do this. I started running again and I realized that I am more out of shape than the last time I started working out. I gotta long road ahead of me but as long as I stay focused, (as hard as that may be) I'll be ok. |
| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008 |
| 11:21 pm |
Ha
Hey world, guess what? I completely forgot I even had an lj. Lj seems like a place where I would be pathetic. It's interesting how this place popped into my head exactly 2 months after the last time I wrote in it. Wow, 2 months. So much has changed to just 2 fucking months. But I feel like if I write it in here, it would not only be pointless but something bad will happen. Heh. Talk is cheap. I am happy and satisfied with my life. And that's just all about you need to know. Goodbye...for now. |
| Thursday, November 22nd, 2007 |
| 8:30 pm |
I decided not to write in here for a while. I'm trying something new. LJ just doesn't seem to do it for me at the moment. P.L.U.R. |
| Saturday, November 17th, 2007 |
| 10:00 pm |
The tests of life. Life is testing me. I'm all ready to quit everything and BOOM, a free opportunity presents itself. It's Saturday. I'm staying home like a good kid, right? People show up at my house. A girl walks into my room and says, "DIANA, I'm rolling! You have to blow me up!" WTF dude. And on top of it the guy they capped rolls from accidentally gave them an extra roll and they OFFERED IT TO ME. So I blow the girl up and I'm all tempted and what not. I know I made the right choice and I'm actually proud of myself. But DAMN. This is all just one big test. I remember over a month ago when I was trying for days to get some so that I could do it for the first time in months. And it was almost impossible to get them. Then, BAM! When I'm trying to get away form it all...it just falls right into my lap. Another thing I thought of was Anthony coming back and saying, "See, you couldn't even stay sober for a week! I could never be with someone like that." I gotta prove it to him. I gotta prove it to myself. I have to be strong because life isn't easy. But then again, no one ever said it was. |
| Thursday, November 15th, 2007 |
| 12:16 pm |
The New Year
Also, this year is coming to an end and so much is happening this year that I thought I would jot down. January: New Years (without A), I start school, my sister gets out of prison. Febuary: Anthony comes back and then leaves again. March: I turn fucking 19 years of age. ...who knows what else will arise along the way. Damn. |
| 11:49 am |
I woke up early today for no reason. I started reading through my past lj entries and became disgusted with myself. I kept talking about wanting to be "happy" and "fix" everything. The thing about lj is that sure, it is a place to vent, but it's all just talk. I would just TALK about how I wanted to change and be happy. But I would never really do anything to make it that way. I read about wanting to go str8 edge. I read about wanting to losing weight. I read about wanting to do better in school, ect. But I was so destructive and depressed and I don't blame Anthony for not being able to deal with someone who merely TALKED about change but never really did anything about it. The truth is, I don't think I really even wanted to change. Or maybe I did...I just didn't want to put forth the effort. So much has changed in these past couple months and it gives me a lot of perspective. I finally feel like I don't have to be a slave to my saddness anymore. I mean, I HAVE lost weight. I work out now. I have no desire to touch any substances. I'm so serious about that too. For once in my life I don't feel like I'm TRYING NOT to do drugs. I just...don't want to. I actually have money now and I feel like I don't have to worry about it. I love going out and not having to consantly worry about getting caught or in trouble because I'm not doing anything wrong. My only worry at the moment is school. I start college in January and I really want to do well. Talk is cheap, I know. But I feel determined for once. My outlook is just so different and I am actually proud of myself. The next demon on my hit list smoking. My smoking habit has gotten to the point where I have to smoke every hour or two. I hate it. I don't want to depend on anything. With all that said, I feel as though I should add that Anthony left a couple days ago. I spent the whole day at his house and frankly I was afraid to leave. He's gone now and I'm worry about him a lot. I miss him even more. But somehow I know he'll be ok. He's strong (stronger than me) and I believe in him. Mostly, I'm just so proud of him for taking control of his life and no matter how much I miss him...I completely support his decision. I finally feel like both of us are doing things with our lives. I worry a lot about what will happen when he comes back and it makes me pretty insecure. But I'm just trying to focus on myself and make sure I don't get sucked into despair again. It's all about moving forward. I want to move forward and be a good person. I kinda feel like if I do that, everything else will just fall into place. One side of me has hope. And the other side of me feels like he'll come back and I'll just be the nothing but a part of the past. Sigh. Just gotta focus on myself. I'll corss that bridge when I get there, I guess. |
| Sunday, November 11th, 2007 |
| 9:31 pm |
People think I'm crazy when they ask me about my "guy situation". They can't believe I would wait for someone that long. I mean, it's not easy. But I feel like it's the only way I can truly show and prove to myself that my feelings are real. Because if I can do this...if I can stay sober and be dedicated like that, than I'll know for sure how real my feelings are. I'll prove that love is not just an illusion. Someone told me that if you have to wait for love, then it's real. Another person told me that nothing good comes easy. I'm prepared for change. I'm prepared to make myself happy so that I can make someone else happy. Besides...this alone time will give me a lot of time to focus on myself. I'm just hoping that I that the outcome is a good one. I'm hoping that I don't do all this and be torn to pieces again. I am determined. |
| Saturday, November 10th, 2007 |
| 11:26 pm |
No matter how strong I try to be...I am weak towards the people I care about. I thought I had myself under control. I knew being alone was better...I fucking knew it. I just...I went crazy again. I didn't want to. I was doing so good and I now I feel dead. I have to get back on track. I can't let the pain overcome or prevent me from being the person I want to be. I prefer not being around people anymore because I just don't fit in. The person I thought could relate to me on that level has betrayed me on a level that I never thought possible. But the anguish? This pain I feel now is all the bad feelings flushing away...turning me into someone else. I haven't changed like this ever in my life. What next, huh? WHAT NEXT? |
| Tuesday, November 6th, 2007 |
| 3:04 am |
You can do this. Just believe in yourself. I repeat that every single day. I am so determined. I will concurrrrrrr. |
| Wednesday, October 31st, 2007 |
| 5:56 am |
So what is there to say?
I start school in January. I got 2 jobs which are kicking my ass right about now. I got the person I really care about back in my life but he's leaving soon. =( And my dad is finally not at my thraot for everything I do. Things is aiight. Could be better. But they always can be. My only big stress is that I'm really sexually frustrated. I have been for months but I'm especially frustrated right about now. Blows. |
| Wednesday, October 24th, 2007 |
| 7:23 pm |
So that's it then..
I tried and tried and tried...He totally cut me off again. He told me that I am threat to any other girl he might meet. I just thought I could prove myself. I thought I was the one. But I guess I'm just not good enough. I messed up and he'll never forgive me. I'll probably never be able to speak to him ever again. It's times like these where songs like Fade To Black just fit so perfectly. Esp. the cover from Sonata Arctica. I lost the one person I love forever. I am disconnected. |
| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007 |
| 1:51 pm |
Red Light.
You seemed to be the one who would never let me down. I never really gave up...thinking he would come back. Now he's gone and I'm alone forever. The nights are the worst. Is there anyone there who could possibly understand? Doubtful. |
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